My
story:
I thought
I was a Christian for the first
29 years of my life (testified as a kid that Jesus Christ is God, was
a leader at church for preteens,
prayed every day, preached the gospel
when ever anybody wanted to hear: Jesus Christ is the Son of God, crucified
for our sins, risen on the third day by the power of Holy Spirit, lived
a God blessed happy Christian life as I thought it to be) until I received
the baptism of the Holy Spirit at the age of 29 (Supernatural experience
when the Holy Spirit came in me with incredible Power, also my internal
life was out of balance for a while, and no, I did not speak in tongues!!!,
did not jump up and down with joy, but rather received deep sorrow (knowledge
of what sin really is --not sins but SIN), and suffering that later
changed into Joy of God regardless of circumstances, feelings or situations
powered by deep humility inside), received a personal revelation of
Jesus Christ (Who He really is and how HOLY.), received the forgiveness
of sins (what a huge load was lifted off me!!!! I felt like an eagle
flying in the sky), became taught by the Holy Spirit (the WORD became
alive to me--they don't need anybody to teach them, because the Spirit
teaches them (1 John 27)--I really felt I had entered the highest University
there is and the teacher was God Himself!!!!!--The Bible beacame
completely a new Book to me!!!) and I fell completely in love with Jesus
Christ (
He is my All and All. Alpha
and Omega.).
I knew I had become a disciple of Jesus Christ and was born again to
His Kingdom. And I only have one goal in my life and that is to please
God and do His Will. I live because of Him and for Him only. The difference
is that before the baptism I knew the Scriptures by my own understanding,
it
was learned, I followed Jesus Christ
in my own understanding, had never surrendered my will--my
right to myself-- to Him. I had never
confronted myself with the reality of sin in me. But then one point
of time in my life (about
1 year before the baptism)
I started feeling that Christianity was a fraud--maybe too strong word--but..--well,
I knew that Christ was God and that He was my heavenly Father-- but
I did not feel I had what God meant for people. I felt uneasiness. This
can't be all, there must be more... I had asked so many times forgiveness
for my sins but I continued to see duplicity in me and yet the Bible
says a Christian does not sin. I also felt that I did not know God intimately.
I wanted to know Him intimately. If
He was my Father in heaven I should know Him as well as I know my mother
or father on earth or even closer, but I felt I did not really know
Him. I felt His presence, I knew the Scriptures, but He was not IN me.
My faith had not produced the kind of obedience God wanted--Faith
without action is dead (until I started really seeking Him )
(only he who does the will of my Father will enter he Kingdom of heaven-Matt
7:21), --'seek Me with ALL YOUR HEART--with all your effort--and you
will find Me' or 'Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will
find; knock and the door (to Kingdom of God) will be opened to you...(Luke
11)'. I thought myself to be a believer, and a good one, I was confortable,
so seeking Him did not cross my mind before. The sin in me had deceived
me to believe I was a Christian. I also knew nothing about Holy Spirit
Power. Little did I understand what it all meant that time. I was just
willing... and I wanted everything that God had in plans for me.. And
I started seeking and knocking...
Just before the baptism I became very desperate and was ready to bury
my old life for ever and do what ever God would ask me. I had come to
my end. I was fixing my eyes and thoughts on Him and only on Him. I
wanted to see Him. It was so shocking to see how my thoughts were wandering,
and weren't fixed on Jesus Christ all the time , but I put all my effort
to FIX my thoughts and eyes on Jesus Christ and only on Him. I
did not care whether I slept or not, I was just so concerned about my
relationship to Jesus Christ. I
felt there were so many thoughts and things between me and Him--just
like a crowd of 5000 people around Him and between me and Him and I
needed to get through them in order to see Jesus Christ. I had never
felt this before. The closer I became to Jesus Christ, the less I knew
how to pray and more I felt the "crowd" between me and Jesus
Christ. "Seek Me with ALL your effort and heart and also knock
and I will open" were in my thoughts as I went through "
the crowd" or "as I was knocking at a closed door". I
was pushing and pushing the thoughts and things away before me as I
was getting closer and closer to Jesus Christ. I was ready to be sacrificed,
even though at that time I did not understand what it meant.
I had always seen Him as my Heavenly Father who blessed me. I prayed
and He blessed, but I never had given anything back to Him. The only
thing I could give was myself. Everything else He had given me as a
gift. This was the realty in my life and what I felt with great humility
and feeling absolute worthlessness when I finally stood before Him:
"Only towardsYou have I sinned, done what is bad inYour eyes."
"Have mercy on me. " I had lived my life thinking it was
through Him, but it was for me, not for Him. That was the day when my
life changed completely. I did not really understand that baptism (not
just one time, but continuous -sanctification/circumcision of heart)
meant that He would fill me with His own Spirit, Holy Spirit, and that
He would put me through burning fire.....clouds. That's what it means
to become a living sacrifice for Him. Everything in me that was not
of Him or towards Him would have to be burned in the fire and thrown
away--nothing to do whether these things looked good or not or were
moral things--everything had to be sanctified for the Glory of Lord,
for HIM--anything that would prevent me seeing Him
and obeying Him in everything... and
that He would take complete control of my life...that my life would
be put into His plans..not my plans, but His... and He would teach me
humility, submission, and patience, suffering and pain. My natural needed
to become spiritual for His sake. Exactly what it says in the Bible---whoever
loses his life for my sake... To know Jesus Christ intimately is
beyond words. It costs everything, yet one gains everything. The relationship
is so Sacred and Holy. He
asks for everything. He wants that
in one's world there is only Him, and only Him, no one else. He says:
"give me to drink", and one cannot give Him a drink unless
one has become a spring of living water. One cannot please Him until
one gives up his/her right to him/herself to Him. The
road to Him is first to receive the living water from Him, and then
through obedience to Him, not obedience to a religion, but to HIM, one
can become a spring of living water and give a drink to the Lord. This
is what pleases Him. It is such an intimate relationship. I was dead,
and now I am alive. And I take part in Christ's sufferings. I only live
to bring glory to Him. There is absolutely nothing I desire in this
life, but to please Him and bring honor to His precious Name. Everything
else has no meaning and is work in vain. I belong to Him and only to
Him.
You
can e-mail me:
In His Holy Presence
My name is Kitte.
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